When you don’t guard your heart, you break it.
And no, he didn’t break my heart. I did.
I had this huge crush on someone I’ve known for a long time. We became friends but for the reason that I want to guard my heart, I decided to not be closer to him anymore.
But I still had a crush on him. Even though we don’t really talk anymore, the two second greetings of hi and hello would still flutter my heart.My face would be hot and I would feel kilig everytime I see him. I would check his Facebook updates once in a while just to see how he’s doing. But regardless of these emotions, I still felt that I was guarding my heart well. Little did I know that I was just pretending. I was not really guarding my heart.
God revealed how I was fooling myself just a few months ago through a Facebook post. The post indicated that he is in a relationship with someone. I was surprised of how hurt I was. I entered into this state of complete sadness. I kept on bothering my sisters and friends. I was really affected. I slept that night with a broken heart.
And then the following day, I found out that it was all a joke. He was never in a relationship. My friends consoled me and told me about it. But I didn’t feel relieved. Just the opposite, I felt uneasy. I was ashamed of myself. And no, not because I believed the post, but because of how I reacted to it.
If I was really guarding my heart, I wouldn’t be that sad when I saw the post. If I was really guarding my heart, I wouldn’t have cried myself to sleep. If I was really guarding my heart, I would be at peace whether the post was real or not because I know God has the best for me. No, he did not broke my heart. I broke my own heart.
I thought that not talking to him and not spending time with him was “guarding my heart” that I let my thoughts ran wild and free. All those imagining, fantasizing and the painting of pictures in my head was not guarding my heart. I did not really let my feelings go, I just hid it. Those hidden feelings were led to expectations, my expectations (of him being the best for me) led to disappointment (when I saw the post) and my disappointment led to my heartbreak.
I was the cause of my own heartbreak.
I praise God for making me realize that guarding my heart is not a job I should do alone. It’s a job that He can do.
Guarding my heart, means surrendering it to Him.